October 09, 2014
Dear Friends,
My last Coffee with Jesus invited you to travel with me as I make my last journey here on earth. I don’t want you to literally go with me. Of course, I want you to stay here as long as you can. I was inviting you to join me in my thoughts as I go on my trip.
The trip seems to me to be a down river one. I am being carried along with the current of a mighty strong river. Nothing I can do to stop the ride, so I think a lot. Each morning I start with my coffee with Jesus. I never cease to be amazed at the thoughts He puts in my head. God is so varied! There is nothing dull about our God! He loves off-beat variety. I think about where I am going and what it will be like. Various thoughts come to mind, some are bizarre and some very like what I already know. Is it like our earth or is it beyond that in scope. Our earth once was paradise I know. God pronounced it good, so it had to be perfect before we loused it up. Maybe it is like sliding down rainbows in a giant Cedar Point ride or bouncing from cloud to cloud like a trampoline. Everybody’s idea of heaven is different, I think. Mine is kind of quiet and peaceful with an occasional adventure, good fellowship, and great meal thrown in. The scenery is beyond description.
Like I said, I seem to be in a strong river current. Some days my carrying vessel is a luxury elegant boat easily controlled and filled with lots of my wonderful friends all making me laugh and be happy. We eat, go places, talk and tell stories. Life seems pretty normal. Other days I am on an uncontrollable raft tossed about and my body is uncontrollable too. I can’t get my breath, I can’t sleep, moving from chair to chair just panics me. I see myself going down, down, down- and it is scary.
This current that is carrying me along can make me panicky. I see myself not being able to do as I did the day before, and my heart begins to race, my body tenses up and I find breathing is even harder than it was before. That old raft is tossing me about something horrible. I am still grateful that I can take care of myself personally. I can dress, shower, etc. still, but for how long? It gets harder every day. That is my current fear: needing personal care. Will I need to leave home to get this help? I really love being home and not in an institution. Some of these places are very nice, with elegant accoutrements but I do love my home. So, I think, “How long can I afford to stay here?” I begin to worry and to tighten up and the whole raft takes off rapidly swinging around in this swirling raging river. Where did that calm stream full of friends and laughter go?
I hate it but I have had to resort to medication to sleep and to calm me down. I pray and talk to Jesus but my heart continues to pound and I need a sleeping pill. Progress has me no longer being able to lie flat so I sleep in a recliner to keep my lungs open and my head a little higher than usual.
Each day I seem to lose a little more and sometimes a lot. In a way this is good because it makes a painful journey shorter. Nevertheless, there is that in me that wants to stay with the old familiar things and with those people I love so much. I try to imagine the wonder and adventure awaiting me and find that difficult to do. One thing I don’t do is despair. I can’t help but be overcome with thanksgiving for all I have been given. My children are so attentive. They take wonderful care of me and show their love in so many ways. How can that help but make me happy. My friends call, text and come visit all the time. They are so faithful. My grandchildren, too, call and text. I get encouraging e-mails from all of you. I am grateful for those. Encouragement for each other is a great blessing. God has been so good to me. I can’t thank Him enough.
So my physical problems continue, increase, and they are mighty. So, like I said before, the destination is sure, but the process of getting there is scary.
Jesus is always there; I just must lean on those everlasting arms – crawl into them like a safe haven and wait. The waiting will be worth it and somehow there is a reason for my being here still.
At present I am down in West Virginia with Jim and Kathy. I love being with them. They treat me like royalty. Life is quiet and unhurried. While they are gone, I can read, write, or just putz on fun stuff. Kathy has introduced me to pinterest so I look at all the crafts and other fun things to do. The peak of fall color has come and we ride around the mountains just in awe at the beauty of nature. At night we have been catching up on the fourth season of “Downton Abbey”. None of us ever saw that season. Life here is quiet but absolutely wonderful. Kathy waits on me, brings me my meals on a tray and just makes me feel very special. God is so good to give her to me!
God bless and keep you safe.
Want to be a big help? Encourage others. It means so much! I love you all.
Irma Jane Fritz-Zager
My Coffee with Jesus 