Coffee with Jesus October 3, 2014

It’s been so long since I have written and I am ashamed of myself. I still have my coffee with Jesus. I don’t think I could start my morning without Him. He’s prompted me often to write but I’ve turned my mind off. I let it run to other less thought provoking areas that require little concentration. They are mostly self serving things like Facebook, puzzles, or just pure lazy junk thoughts that require little effort. Why I’ve done this is inexcusable but I’ll make an effort to excuse myself anyway. I’ve had a lot to learn to live with.
I had a great summer on the island. I was so grateful to have another season there with family and friends. Actually getting around there wasn’t too bad. It is much easier here in my home that is handicapped accessible but everyone helped me out, waited on me, and took such good care of me that it was almost as easy as home in Medina.

I came home right after Labor Day. I found that many things I had done a year ago, I can no longer do. I couldn’t handle my outside lift on my car. It was either stay home or get a car that I can get into with the chair. Jim contacted his people that convert his car for him and guess what? They had a car just perfect for me! I don’t need the same conversions that Jim has. In fact, most folks have to have their car personalized just for their handicapped condition. This one seemed to be done just for me. It was used but only barely. It had only 6000 miles on it! The seat swivels around so I can slide from my chair into the driver’s seat or into the passenger seat if someone else is driving. And it was blue –my favorite color! I was thrilled. Now I have two cars. That is not so thrilling; but I can get out and around by myself still. I could use some prayer about getting rid of my little Ford Escape.

My health is another issue entirely. I have told you before; I have pulmonary fibrosis which is untreatable and there is no cure. I had hoped that it would move slowly and that I might be able to function normally for a few more years. Only God knows how that may progress, but it seems to be moving, filling my lungs with fibers that render the little air sacs in my lungs inoperable. I find it more difficult to move around without gasping for breath and even talking takes my air and I huff and puff. That is the real problem. I do love to talk. (God’s told me before not to talk so much. I didn’t listen so He has taken matters in hand.)

Since there is no more to do for me medically, I have elected to go into Hospice at Home. This is a service provided by Medicare that helps me to function at home to the best of my ability and will be progressive as the help is needed. I surely do want to stay in my home so I am grateful for these services. Mostly what I need right now is to cease all these Doctor visits. I was going to see a specialist two times a week sometimes. Since they really can’t help anymore, why go? Now, if I need a doctor for a minor reason, one will come to me at home. If another problem comes up—I’m not likely to step into any more holes and break a leg, but one never knows—I can get out of Hospice at Home and go to a specialist if needed. I think I have made the right decision. Right now I am going through all the rigamarole of getting into the system with case workers, nurses, etc. When I get that taken care of, I will just say I don’t need a visit this week. (they even call and ask if I want a massage! Would you believe I say “no”?) They are good to come when needed, and to call to see if I am all right alone. Hopefully, I won’t need more for a while.

I have Jesus in the morning for coffee and all the rest of the day too.
It is a new experience in my life to contemplate dying. When I feel myself getting short of breath, it is hard not to be terrified. Breathing is such a natural process I don’t even think about it until I can’t breathe, then I get panicky. That is a natural reaction, I’m sure but one I can’t seem to know what to do with. Learning to deal with my body’s failings is tough. I’ve always been one to do it myself and hate calling for help.
I am not afraid of death at all. I KNOW where I am going and who will be with me all the way. It is the process of dying that frightens me. I have already experienced some of it. When I can’t get a breath, it causes panic, then I tighten up and my heart races to get the air into my bloodstream. This causes my body to tighten even more and it causes more tightening and more distress. My prayer is that I will not cause my kids worry and sorrow as they watch me go.

When I voice thoughts of dying, my friends and family turn me off. They don’t want to think about it and don’t want me to remind them.. They say, “ Oh, Mom! You’ll be around for a long time yet.” Maybe ‘yes’ and maybe ‘no’, but dying is a fact and on my mind pretty constantly right now. If I can’t talk about what is most often on my mind then I feel frustrated. I want to voice my thoughts and I have lots of questions as I think through this whole process. Perhaps they are not profound thoughts or even useful ones. They are new to my experience and I am sure the Lord will be with me as I think it through and go through these days. I am on a journey that we all will one day take. It is a path I watched Doug, Stan and my mother take. Both Doug and Stan seemed unaware of their surroundings and the Lord was good to them as they sort of slept through the process. I don’t think that is going to be true for me. I am still pretty clear in my mind I think. Dying a little at a time physically is going to be apparent to me. Every day I can see something more that seems to be going downhill. Some days it is better and I am thinking it is all in my mind, but I truly know that it is not. My thoughts are maybe funny or maybe helpful, or maybe just ridiculous but I plan to put some of them on paper. I know there have been others who have done this and I will compare thoughts with them. I will share my thoughts with Jesus and He will be my guide as I go along. Actually, He has been prompting me to get going on this for several weeks.

I would like to share this journey with you if you’d care to read about my experiences. In any case, I love you all. You have been on my mind daily as I share my mornings with Jesus. He is so faithful.

My prayer time is full of requests on your behalf and I am so glad to have you for support. You are all very special to me. God bless you all.

Irma Jane Fritz-Zager